Expert Talk: All About Sensitive Periods for Social Skills and Speech by Educator Sobhana Menon (Part 3)

This read will help you understand why toddlers hold on to their toys, how social skills grow through play, and how language begins long before the first word. It covers the sensitive periods for social skills and language in toddlers, and what everyday support looks like. 

Educator Sobhana Menon has spent 27 years working with toddlers and teenagers. Holding a Diploma in Child Psychology, she is presently a Principal of Eklavya School. She spoke about these everyday moments with Akriti Gupta, founder of Loopie, on The Parent Code podcast episode "Why Toddlers Don't Share & How They Learn to Talk". Here are her answers, in her own words.

What to keep in mind

• Sobhana's guidance on milestones comes from what she sees in her classroom and playground. She also holds a diploma in Child Psychology.

• Every child moves at their own pace.

• Sensitive periods, which Part 1 of this series explains, are stretches of early childhood when a child is especially ready to learn something. A window that passes does not close the door.

• This is general information, not medical advice. If you ever have questions about your child's speech, hearing, or play, a chat with your paediatrician is a good first step.

What are Sensitive Periods?

Sensitive periods are phases when a child is strongly drawn to one kind of activity and practises it with deep focus. Here is how each one can look:

Now, let's learn about the sensitive periods of social development and language in depth.

Why don't toddlers want to share?

Toddlers are still learning that other people have wants and feelings of their own. Holding on to a favourite toy is part of that. Sharing is a social skill that grows with practice, and it comes more easily when an adult offers a reason that makes sense.

Sobhana sees sharing as a skill worth celebrating: "Sharing is one of the highest milestones that show that social skills are developing well.

When asked where adults miss a step? She answered, "Many times, when a child doesn't want to share, adults don't reason with them. They just keep saying, “She's your friend. Give it away. But that's not what children are looking for. They're looking for a better reason."

A better reason is short and kind: "She wants to play with it. So, can we share?" That answers the question on the toddler's mind. "Because the child wants to know why they're being asked to give something away," Sobhana says. "That's what they want to understand."

Reasoning helps in another way too. Sobhana says it supports social skills because it works alongside the sensitive period for order, which is happening at the same time (Part 2 looks at order in detail). "Reasoning works so beautifully with children." A short, kind reason costs nothing, and it gives toddlers something to hold on to.

How does simple vocabulary help toddlers share?

Simple words give toddlers a way to ask instead of grab. Phrases like "Please give me" and "May I take it?" turn a tussle into a request. Adults can model the words, stay calm, and let the children try. Asking often works faster than grabbing.

Sobhana says, “If we give children the right words, their social skills develop faster.” She gave us an example: when small kids get into a tussle over a toy, we try to give them excuses so they can pass on the toy to others, without giving them a fair reason. If we could just say, “She wants to play with it, so can we share?” and ask the other child to take permission first, you’ll find that they will be more open to the suggestion.

The result? "And when they finally try it, the other child gives them the object. There was a struggle going on for the past minute and a half, and then three words, 'Please give me,' worked!"

The sandpit teaches the same lesson. A child puts a scoop down for a second and turns away. Another child picks it up, genuinely feeling it is free to take. "That's when you can teach them to ask, 'May I take it?' or 'Is it okay if I use it? I'll return it to you in a minute.'" Sobhana adds, "Even at this young age, we can begin helping children understand the importance of asking permission."

Tussles are part of the learning. "Yes, they'll fight, push, and pull. But these moments give us so many opportunities to teach them the right ways to interact with others."

Toddler sharing tips from Sobhana

• Give the reason: "She wants to play with it."

• Hand over the words: "Please give me."

• Let them try: "You try."

• Teach asking before taking: "May I take it?"

"Little ones understand far more than we often give them credit for," Sobhana says. Akriti agrees: "I think that's the biggest perspective change we need to make." Treating toddlers as people who understand is a good place to start.

When do toddlers move from parallel play to cooperative play?

According to Sobhana's observation of her school playground, two-year-olds often start by playing alone, then play side by side, and begin playing together a few months later. She places cooperative play at around two years and seven months. 

Sobhana describes the sensitive period for social skills through that playground, which has a sandpit and a jungle gym. "We have a very intentional curriculum in which children aged two to five and a half years play together in the same area." It is "a beautiful opportunity for children to observe one another, cooperate, play together, and develop their social skills."

What if the window passes?

A sensitive period that passes does not mean a child can't learn these skills. They may need more effort and more support from the environment. Early chances to mix, watch, and try help skills grow more naturally.

"Once a sensitive period passes, I'm not saying that nothing will happen," says Sobhana. "What I mean is that these things may no longer come as naturally. The child may have to put in much more effort, and the environment may need to provide much more support."

A child who is "very comfortable in their own little cocoon by the age of four, playing alone and talking mostly to adults" may find a sudden push to mix with others "forced and difficult." So, just offering children a space where they can watch, try, and join in does a lot of good.

How babies learn language before they speak?

Language starts on day one, with cries, coos, and responses to familiar voices. Babies learn that sounds bring a reaction. Talking to babies before they speak builds the base for first words, and a real, responsive voice matters most.

Sobhana says that "language development begins on day one and continues through the first six years of life." The sensitive period for language starts to fade around age six, and what follows builds on that foundation.

Talking to babies before they speak

Cries are the first conversation. "A cry might tell you that the baby is sleepy, hungry, wants to be picked up, or has wet themselves." Is that the same everywhere? "Yes, it's universal," says Sobhana. "There are patterns in how babies cry, and you can learn to recognise them." Then comes her simple summary: "That's how language begins."

"Even though your little one isn't talking yet, talk to them as much as you can." Babies respond as though they are having a conversation with you.

Why screens can't replace a voice

One mistake Sobhana has noticed over ten years is "assuming that the human voice can be replaced by any other audio, including television or other media." Children need the "rich auditory input" that comes from people, as they hear voices change and watch how words are formed. "You can play television or audio as much as you like, but that isn't a substitute for direct communication with a person."

The Indian Academy of Pediatrics' screen time guidelines, published in Indian Pediatrics, advise no screens for children under 2, and no more than one hour a day of supervised screen time for children aged 24 to 59 months.

From babbling to first sentences

Children who are spoken to often may begin babbling a great deal at 15, 16, or 18 months. "You might not understand what they're saying, but listen to them. They are trying to communicate!" They may scold, ask for things, or call you over. Then, "around 20 to 22 months, you might find that sentences start coming out."

That timeline is Sobhana's observation. As a general marker, CDC's checklist for age two looks for at least two words put together, like "More milk."

Children also need chances to practise. Otherwise, Sobhana says, "they'll use whatever words they have and figure out a way to communicate," but the refinement of their language and social interactions "may not develop as naturally."

What if my toddler isn't talking yet?

Late talking can have many reasons, and conversation at home is one of them. Children learn words by hearing, answering and practising. Adding more everyday conversation can help. If you are worried, speak to your paediatrician.

"I've often seen parents who are genuinely worried that their child isn't talking," says Sobhana. "But when I look more closely at the situation, I sometimes find that both parents are working and the child spends most of their time with a nanny." A nanny may see her role as meeting physical needs, with little conversation through the day. Akriti adds, "Or perhaps the parents themselves don't talk very much."

"If children don't hear much conversation, they have fewer opportunities to learn and practise words." Sobhana has also seen children begin "speaking much more confidently within six to eight months" of starting school around two and a half or three, because the environment gives them more chances to communicate.

A review in American Family Physician, from the American Academy of Family Physicians, advises that children with speech and language concerns be evaluated by speech-language and hearing specialists rather than watched and waited on. Your paediatrician can guide the next step.

How does pretend play help toddler language?

Pretend play gives toddlers a reason to use the words they already know. Serving imaginary food or tea means asking, offering, and explaining. When adults join in, children practise speaking in a relaxed, joyful way. It builds social skills too, as children take turns and respond.

Sobhana sees this "every year with children between 18 months and two years old. They've just started speaking, and they're also very interested in pretend play." Her example is khichdi, made with sand in a pretend kitchen. "We adults play along, take the pretend food, and eat it enthusiastically." Then the children protest: "How are you eating it? It's hot! You can't eat it like that!"

Akriti saw the same at home. Her daughter was serving pretend tea to the whole family. When the grown-ups said it was time to head out, the little one insisted she was busy making tea, using the few words she had: "Mein bana rahi hoon na" (as in she is making tea).

"Language needs to be encouraged," says Sobhana. "We can't simply assume that it will develop on its own without any input." A pretend cup of tea is a good place to start.

How can busy parents build language every day?

Parents don't need a set time for language. Talking while cooking, dressing, or travelling counts. Narrating your actions, reading aloud, and singing together fill the day with words, and the habit can become second nature.

Talk while you work

Whenever you’re present with your child, find ways to talk to them, even while you’re working. Making them part of your everyday conversations will also turn out to be really helpful. In Sobhana’s words, “Dekho Mumma abhi onions cut kar rahi hai, uske baad unhe chhole chahiye banane ke liye.” Phrases like these make the child feel included in the conversation. She adds that within 5-10 days, parents will be able to make a habit of communicating this way.

Sobhana also emphasizes the importance of reading to your child. She says, “Sit in a spot where your child can see what’s happening in the book.” Read to your child as much as you can, and you’ll start noticing the change and the wonders it can do.

Akriti has seen how quickly words grow with company: when her child's grandmother visits, the little one's vocabulary increases within five days.

Read aloud

"Read aloud and let the words reach your child's ears." At bedtime, or whenever you have five minutes, sit somewhere your child can see the pictures. Reading, Sobhana says, brings "emotional interaction, comprehension, listening, the ability to connect ideas and objects in the book, and exposure to new vocabulary."

Sing together

"Sing with your child. Let them sing, participate, and enjoy themselves." Playing rhymes or recordings "isn't enough on its own." In Sobhana's experience, "when a child goes to school, they begin singing new songs or humming tunes within ten days."

Looking back at her own experience, Akriti shared that she had also seen her daughter singing on her own once, having her time, looking out of the window.

To this, Sobhana added, when you make up a tune or sing for your child, you’ll find that they will also sing back to you, despite the tune being completely unknown to them. The little one will pick it up and make it their own. “So, a lot of singing should happen; rhythm should come into them.”

Instead of constantly saying, "Come on, it's getting late!" or "Hurry, hurry, hurry!", Sobhana says, "You can find gentler and more creative ways to communicate. You won't always be able to do this, of course. But as much as possible, try to make communication a pleasant experience."

FAQs: Most asked questions about speech & social skills

Is it okay if my toddler plays alone at daycare?

Yes. Sobhana's answer to this worry was "That's okay." Daycare offers "a prepared environment where, if and when their social skills emerge, they have the space and opportunity to develop them."

Why does my toddler hug or grab other children?

"They feel that's a way to communicate," Sobhana says. "They have a lot to express, but they may not have the words to do so." Teach them to check first, because "we don't hug someone immediately without considering the other person's wishes."

My toddler wants the same book again and again. Is that normal?

Yes. "It's beautiful!" says Sobhana. Children want the familiar story "because knowing what comes next gives them joy, confidence, and a sense of calm."

Encouraging speech & building a social life

Sensitive periods for social skills and language in toddlers are about opportunity. Toddlers share more easily when they have a reason and the words to ask. They play together when they have space and company. They talk when people talk, read, and sing with them.

• Give toddlers a reason, then the words.

• Offer space to watch, try and join in.

• Fill everyday moments with conversation, books and songs.

Sobhana's closing thought says it best: "When your child is 24, 30, or 35, you may recognise the value of what you built during those early years." Akriti Gupta, founder of Loopie, hosts The Parent Code, where conversations like this one continue. Stay tuned for the next part of our sensitive period blog series.